Monday, July 4, 2011

In a year...

At this time last year I was elated because I had just gotten engaged. We were coming back from the coast, and texting and telling everyone of our amazing time, and how it happened. We were then driving way out of our way to pick up R from a good friend who knew his plan the whole time. I was happy and planning the rest of my life in matter of minutes. Babies and houses and good memories.

And now a year later here I am...Unhappy, and emotional, and unforgiving. I have cried, and woken up out of a dead sleep thinking about the smiles I once had, and the fear that has now replaced those very smiles. I watch R navigate through her own emotions, allowing her to feel everything her body tells her too, and be there when she throws her fit and begs for his return. And also be there when she explains in detail to me how mean he was and how he hurt her too. What 3 year old needs to experience this?

I feel guilty for thinking I had a part in putting her through this. Which doesnt make it any easier to get over. I think about him often. That is to be expected I guess as it is still brand new, and he was a crucial part of our life for the time he was good. I miss the family that she gained and lost with his presence. I will miss the traditions that were started and quickly died off. It will be a long road, but July 4th 2012 will be putting me another year stronger, away from the pain.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

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