Monday, October 10, 2011

Some writing I have been doing helping me heal...

This I believe…
I believe in the power of the perfect song at the perfect moment on the radio. Driving has always been a source of escape for me, and there are often times where I will put the music on scan and let my mind do some thinking. Then clear as can be the lyrics of a song I have heard a hundred times before comes on at just the right moment. Suddenly I find myself singing along to the song about ME, and how it fits perfectly into MY situation, and how I never before heard the lyrics the way that I did that day in the car on that drive. Your song.
Maybe I wasn’t listening to the lyrics because I didn’t need them to get through that rough patch? Or maybe I hadn’t heard them the way that I needed to because I didn’t need to hear them yet? Regardless of how or why, it is and I am thankful for the moments when I am lost in the song, and the world around me is on hold for the minutes that I wish would turn into hours. Words hurt sometimes. A very deep, emotional turmoil that leaves you aching for relief from it all. Then comes that special song that magically heals the soul. The tears that have been cried release the bad, and some of the very same words that hurt you are formed in a new context, and they begin to heal.
I believe in the power of music to transform your heart, into one that beats for happiness, without pain. I believe in music making you dance to your own drum, even though everyone hears the same beat, and I believe in being you. I believe that the car radio has a deeper meaning than karaoke, cheesy duets and dancing like a fool. I believe that the car radio has the intentions of helping one write their own song, to be sung between the lyrics of the most popular tune, only to be heard by the composer. I believe we all have our own music, aching to be heard.

What I want my words to do to you
I want them to build you up, higher than you can ever imagine being, and then just a little bit more. I want to make you think that you finally have the world in your hands, and you couldn’t be any luckier than you are right now at this very moment.  I want you to be thankful for the crap that you’ve put up with in your past, because everything in this moment is worth that pain. This moment has made you realize that life has a purpose, and you have a place in it. I want you to be on cloud nine, feel like you are flying through heaven, with turbo wings, with butterflies permanently placed in your stomach. I want you to be in awe of the smile that has stuck on your face for weeks, and smile every time you think of me. I want you to be in a state of bliss that you have never felt before. I want everything you do and think and say and feel and know to be because I promised you the world, and made a great effort of proving to you that I wasn’t going anywhere…
And just when you get comfortable in this new place, and you start to trust me, I want my words to rip the pedestal out from under you. Then I want them to punch you in the stomach, and make you rethink every decision you have ever made in your life. Then I want them to spit on your face, rob you of any trust you started to build, and rape you of all self esteem you have left. I then want my words to tell you how worthless you are, how easy it was to lie to you, and how you were stupid for thinking you deserved me. I then want them to stand there while you are shaking with shame and fear, and my laughter will be the last thing that you hear as I walk away leaving you there miserable, knowing that there was no way that I or ANYONE would ever love you.

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