So today would have been 10 months of married bliss. I was supposed to spend it resting while my doting husband took care of the bills and dinner and R, and without a complaint about doing it.
Now I sit here alone. Laying in bed for the 5th day in a row contemplating how I am going to save the money for the hospital bills and to move out into my own place again and to try to figure out everything else in my life so that its done and I can go back to worry free living for a little bit. I however dont see that happening in the near future.
As far as healing from surgery I am doing well. I went to PT yesterday to learn how to use the muscles again and learn exercises that will have me back playing soccer like I used to be.
My friend Amy has bright R to see me and that has helped. Marilyn has kept me stocked with food and snacks and checking in on me which has been amazing! I am blessed to have all that I do in my life, but I still miss that one part that I had.
I dont miss the pain he caused. Or the hole in my heart that needs to close. I miss the idea that we might have been happy at one point. That my life was going to have that happy ever after ring to it, and that others would be jealous of the love that we were in. I now just sit here and wish that I could erase all memories of him, start over new in a brand new place, and show R that love means actual love...not just a word said to candy coat life. I will miss the good of him, but the bad, the part that still haunts me will linger for awhile longer.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Day1 Post Op
What I remember from surgery day:
My friend Derek took me in at 9am for check in. Got me all situated in a nice gown that hooks up to heat machines in case you get cold. They did the IV and started fluids and relaxation medicine. Then Dr. Fahey did the electrified needle Femoral Block, which was amazing and didnt hurt at all. It was just weird. Wheeled to the OR at 12:10 where I know that I moved to the table and then just went to sleep so I dont remember the actual going under part the left over sedation medicine made me sleepy enough.
I woke up at 4pm. I vaguely remember waking up being cold, but supposedly the nurse said that I was FREEZING so they had me burrito wrapped and the gown machine hooked up to me.
Then I was moved to the waiting room after the recovery room where Derek and Marilyn were both sitting with me while I got my papers and instructions for going home. I had apple juice and crackers and they were DELICIOUS!
Last night wasnt bad. Marilyn stayed with me the whole night just in case I needed something, but really I just would wake up to take my meds, eat something and go right back to sleep after I went to the bathroom. This morning I am feeling great. I have some pain but its nothing that I cant manage and the Norco are really helping. I am taking a lot of naps and being lazy! I like it. R is in school today and ill get to see her later tonight after she gets out.
God is good and he protected me through this
My friend Derek took me in at 9am for check in. Got me all situated in a nice gown that hooks up to heat machines in case you get cold. They did the IV and started fluids and relaxation medicine. Then Dr. Fahey did the electrified needle Femoral Block, which was amazing and didnt hurt at all. It was just weird. Wheeled to the OR at 12:10 where I know that I moved to the table and then just went to sleep so I dont remember the actual going under part the left over sedation medicine made me sleepy enough.
I woke up at 4pm. I vaguely remember waking up being cold, but supposedly the nurse said that I was FREEZING so they had me burrito wrapped and the gown machine hooked up to me.
Then I was moved to the waiting room after the recovery room where Derek and Marilyn were both sitting with me while I got my papers and instructions for going home. I had apple juice and crackers and they were DELICIOUS!
Last night wasnt bad. Marilyn stayed with me the whole night just in case I needed something, but really I just would wake up to take my meds, eat something and go right back to sleep after I went to the bathroom. This morning I am feeling great. I have some pain but its nothing that I cant manage and the Norco are really helping. I am taking a lot of naps and being lazy! I like it. R is in school today and ill get to see her later tonight after she gets out.
God is good and he protected me through this
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Please Pray For Me...
Today is knee surgery day...and I am about to get out of bed on the two legs that I can 80% walk on, go have them cut open my left knee only to come home on 0% walking...
I am having my ACL replaced with a cadaver, and my meniscus repaired. I guess that soccer has finally caught up with me, and I am asking that you pass my blog onto others for prayer. Being a single mom I have the fear that something will go wrong and ill abandon R. There is a HUGE group of people that will make sure she is ok, but that also means that I am going to have a lot of alone down time while I heal. Down time is a time for thinking, and right now I dont want to think about anything that im going through. Knee surgery + Rehab for months, a divorce, and trying to navigate life alone again.
I know that I will be ok and that this surgery is going to be just fine....but WHAT IF I dont wake up?
I ask for prayers for this day, and for the needed strength for a quick recovery.
I am having my ACL replaced with a cadaver, and my meniscus repaired. I guess that soccer has finally caught up with me, and I am asking that you pass my blog onto others for prayer. Being a single mom I have the fear that something will go wrong and ill abandon R. There is a HUGE group of people that will make sure she is ok, but that also means that I am going to have a lot of alone down time while I heal. Down time is a time for thinking, and right now I dont want to think about anything that im going through. Knee surgery + Rehab for months, a divorce, and trying to navigate life alone again.
I know that I will be ok and that this surgery is going to be just fine....but WHAT IF I dont wake up?
I ask for prayers for this day, and for the needed strength for a quick recovery.
Monday, July 4, 2011
In a year...
At this time last year I was elated because I had just gotten engaged. We were coming back from the coast, and texting and telling everyone of our amazing time, and how it happened. We were then driving way out of our way to pick up R from a good friend who knew his plan the whole time. I was happy and planning the rest of my life in matter of minutes. Babies and houses and good memories.
And now a year later here I am...Unhappy, and emotional, and unforgiving. I have cried, and woken up out of a dead sleep thinking about the smiles I once had, and the fear that has now replaced those very smiles. I watch R navigate through her own emotions, allowing her to feel everything her body tells her too, and be there when she throws her fit and begs for his return. And also be there when she explains in detail to me how mean he was and how he hurt her too. What 3 year old needs to experience this?
I feel guilty for thinking I had a part in putting her through this. Which doesnt make it any easier to get over. I think about him often. That is to be expected I guess as it is still brand new, and he was a crucial part of our life for the time he was good. I miss the family that she gained and lost with his presence. I will miss the traditions that were started and quickly died off. It will be a long road, but July 4th 2012 will be putting me another year stronger, away from the pain.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
And now a year later here I am...Unhappy, and emotional, and unforgiving. I have cried, and woken up out of a dead sleep thinking about the smiles I once had, and the fear that has now replaced those very smiles. I watch R navigate through her own emotions, allowing her to feel everything her body tells her too, and be there when she throws her fit and begs for his return. And also be there when she explains in detail to me how mean he was and how he hurt her too. What 3 year old needs to experience this?
I feel guilty for thinking I had a part in putting her through this. Which doesnt make it any easier to get over. I think about him often. That is to be expected I guess as it is still brand new, and he was a crucial part of our life for the time he was good. I miss the family that she gained and lost with his presence. I will miss the traditions that were started and quickly died off. It will be a long road, but July 4th 2012 will be putting me another year stronger, away from the pain.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
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