Some writing I have been doing helping me heal...

This I believe…

I believe in the power of the perfect song at the perfect moment on the radio. Driving has always been a source of escape for me, and there are often times where I will put the music on scan and let my mind do some thinking. Then clear as can be the lyrics of a song I have heard a hundred times before comes on at just the right moment. Suddenly I find myself singing along to the song about ME, and how it fits perfectly into MY situation, and how I never before heard the lyrics the way that I did that day in the car on that drive. Your song.

Maybe I wasn’t listening to the lyrics because I didn’t need them to get through that rough patch? Or maybe I hadn’t heard them the way that I needed to because I didn’t need to hear them yet? Regardless of how or why, it is and I am thankful for the moments when I am lost in the song, and the world around me is on hold for the minutes that I wish would turn into hours. Words hurt sometimes. A very deep, emotional turmoil that leaves you aching for relief from it all. Then comes that special song that magically heals the soul. The tears that have been cried release the bad, and some of the very same words that hurt you are formed in a new context, and they begin to heal.

I believe in the power of music to transform your heart, into one that beats for happiness, without pain. I believe in music making you dance to your own drum, even though everyone hears the same beat, and I believe in being you. I believe that the car radio has a deeper meaning than karaoke, cheesy duets and dancing like a fool. I believe that the car radio has the intentions of helping one write their own song, to be sung between the lyrics of the most popular tune, only to be heard by the composer. I believe we all have our own music, aching to be heard.

What I want my words to do to you

I want them to build you up, higher than you can ever imagine being, and then just a little bit more. I want to make you think that you finally have the world in your hands, and you couldn’t be any luckier than you are right now at this very moment.  I want you to be thankful for the crap that you’ve put up with in your past, because everything in this moment is worth that pain. This moment has made you realize that life has a purpose, and you have a place in it. I want you to be on cloud nine, feel like you are flying through heaven, with turbo wings, with butterflies permanently placed in your stomach. I want you to be in awe of the smile that has stuck on your face for weeks, and smile every time you think of me. I want you to be in a state of bliss that you have never felt before. I want everything you do and think and say and feel and know to be because I promised you the world, and made a great effort of proving to you that I wasn’t going anywhere…

And just when you get comfortable in this new place, and you start to trust me, I want my words to rip the pedestal out from under you. Then I want them to punch you in the stomach, and make you rethink every decision you have ever made in your life. Then I want them to spit on your face, rob you of any trust you started to build, and rape you of all self esteem you have left. I then want my words to tell you how worthless you are, how easy it was to lie to you, and how you were stupid for thinking you deserved me. I then want them to stand there while you are shaking with shame and fear, and my laughter will be the last thing that you hear as I walk away leaving you there miserable, knowing that there was no way that I or ANYONE would ever love you.

Back to Blogging...

   Yesterday R and I attended the celebration of my friends Great Grandpa's 100th birthday. Yes 100, and it made me realize that life although can be LONG, is still short. I have an amazing daughter, who is the pride and joy of my life, and all these little things that are going wrong, are in no comparison to those that are going right.
   I am in my last year of school, and it almost seems unrealistic that I am so close to being done. I will definitely push R into doing school the right way and getting it over with. What will I accomplish after finishing? Maybe a flimsy piece of paper and some debt will let me know that I finally "did it" but I will also gain pride in knowing that NOTHING held me back. That in itself is worth the debt. I am grateful for the people in my life, helping push me through the times when I had no energy to move. I am thankful for the wonderful child God has placed in my life, as a constant reminder of just how much I am needed, and how lucky I am to call her my own. I am very blessed in this life that I have, and I really need to focus more on that aspect of it.
 
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. 

Day 5: Post Op and Life

So today would have been 10 months of married bliss. I was supposed to spend it resting while my doting husband took care of the bills and dinner and R, and without a complaint about doing it.
Now I sit here alone. Laying in bed for the 5th day in a row contemplating how I am going to save the money for the hospital bills and to move out into my own place again and to try to figure out everything else in my life so that its done and I can go back to worry free living for a little bit. I however dont see that happening in the near future.
As far as healing from surgery I am doing well. I went to PT yesterday to learn how to use the muscles again and learn exercises that will have me back playing soccer like I used to be.
My friend Amy has bright R to see me and that has helped. Marilyn has kept me stocked with food and snacks and checking in on me which has been amazing! I am blessed to have all that I do in my life, but I still miss that one part that I had.

I dont miss the pain he caused. Or the hole in my heart that needs to close. I miss the idea that we might have been happy at one point. That my life was going to have that happy ever after ring to it, and that others would be jealous of the love that we were in. I now just sit here and wish that I could erase all memories of him, start over new in a brand new place, and show R that love means actual love...not just a word said to candy coat life. I will miss the good of him, but the bad, the part that still haunts me will linger for awhile longer.

Day1 Post Op

What I remember from surgery day:
My friend Derek took me in at 9am for check in. Got me all situated in a nice gown that hooks up to heat machines in case you get cold. They did the IV and started fluids and relaxation medicine. Then Dr. Fahey did the electrified needle Femoral Block, which was amazing and didnt hurt at all. It was just weird. Wheeled to the OR at 12:10 where I know that I moved to the table and then just went to sleep so I dont remember the actual going under part the left over sedation medicine made me sleepy enough.
I woke up at 4pm. I vaguely remember waking up being cold, but supposedly the nurse said that I was FREEZING so they had me burrito wrapped and the gown machine hooked up to me.
Then I was moved to the waiting room after the recovery room where Derek and Marilyn were both sitting with me while I got my papers and instructions for going home. I had apple juice and crackers and they were DELICIOUS!

Last night wasnt bad. Marilyn stayed with me the whole night just in case I needed something, but really I just would wake up to take my meds, eat something and go right back to sleep after I went to the bathroom. This morning I am feeling great. I have some pain but its nothing that I cant manage and the Norco are really helping. I am taking a lot of naps and being lazy! I like it. R is in school today and ill get to see her later tonight after she gets out.

God is good and he protected me through this

Please Pray For Me...

Today is knee surgery day...and I am about to get out of bed on the two legs that I can 80% walk on, go have them cut open my left knee only to come home on 0% walking...

I am having my ACL replaced with a cadaver, and my meniscus repaired. I guess that soccer has finally caught up with me, and I am asking that you pass my blog onto others for prayer. Being a single mom I have the fear that something will go wrong and ill abandon R. There is a HUGE group of people that will make sure she is ok, but that also means that I am going to have a lot of alone down time while I heal. Down time is a time for thinking, and right now I dont want to think about anything that im going through. Knee surgery + Rehab for months, a divorce, and trying to navigate life alone again.
I know that I will be ok and that this surgery is going to be just fine....but WHAT IF I dont wake up?

I ask for prayers for this day, and for the needed strength for a quick recovery.

In a year...

At this time last year I was elated because I had just gotten engaged. We were coming back from the coast, and texting and telling everyone of our amazing time, and how it happened. We were then driving way out of our way to pick up R from a good friend who knew his plan the whole time. I was happy and planning the rest of my life in matter of minutes. Babies and houses and good memories.

And now a year later here I am...Unhappy, and emotional, and unforgiving. I have cried, and woken up out of a dead sleep thinking about the smiles I once had, and the fear that has now replaced those very smiles. I watch R navigate through her own emotions, allowing her to feel everything her body tells her too, and be there when she throws her fit and begs for his return. And also be there when she explains in detail to me how mean he was and how he hurt her too. What 3 year old needs to experience this?

I feel guilty for thinking I had a part in putting her through this. Which doesnt make it any easier to get over. I think about him often. That is to be expected I guess as it is still brand new, and he was a crucial part of our life for the time he was good. I miss the family that she gained and lost with his presence. I will miss the traditions that were started and quickly died off. It will be a long road, but July 4th 2012 will be putting me another year stronger, away from the pain.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

My Best Shot

Nothing like the old pictures of R to remind me of how simple life really is. This is still my favorite picture of her, and so I entered it into The Paper Mama contest.

Remember the good times with family...

This is the Paper Mamas contest I entered this week...here is a picture of cousins. I remember when R was that small, and now she is 3. Where has the time gone?

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart  

and lean not on your own understanding;   

in all your ways submit to him, 

and he will make your paths straight.

Finding the strength I need...

My daughter R and I, we are strong girls. We will be able to make it through this... we just have to believe we can.

I have found an amazing strength to get through this, and where I know it will be long and hard to handle sometimes, I trust that the Lord will give me the tools I need to do what is right. I have found a new sense of faith in myself, and God, and hope that I continue to do things in honor of Him.

My support system is amazing, and I do not think that I realized all that I had until I had nothing. R and I started a week ago with nothing but some bags, and slowly but steadily we gained a roof, and food, and support, and I know now that I need to teach her more about God, and let her ask a million questions that will stem me to dig deeper into what I do not know.
He might have hurt me, but he didn't break me.

(Prov 15:4): The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.